By the time I got to middle school, I was not thin. I was however, feeling the effects of bulimia. My throat hurt all the time. My stomach hurt. My teeth were showing signs of damage from stomach acids and I was really self conscience of my breath. When I threw up, it was often accompanied by blood. But I remained fat.
Some how I became “friends” with a boy in my class who would come to be my protector, though looking back, at a cost. Under his wing, the bullying stopped. I began to play sports and enjoy some success and my confidence grew. In 7th grade I made the “A” team in basketball. First string. But I was competing with girls who were better, who had attended camps and clinics. I felt a deep need to look like them.
Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that throwing up after each meal hurt too much. If I just didn’t eat at all, it wouldn’t hurt and the end goal would be the same. An anorexic was born. I plotted and planned. I was sneaky. I found a book in the school library that was about a girl with anorexia and I followed it like a manual. Avoiding meals, feigning illness, shuffling food. Eating a bit and then using my napkin to spit it out. I made it 17 days without so much as a bite. I lost 30 lbs.
My art teacher stopped me after class one day, took my chin in her hand and turned my head side to side.
“Uh hum, Missy. You better be careful. You are getting skinny.”
“Skinny”. I thought, I am doing it.
The next day however, my bubble was burst when my coach sat me down and told me she was moving me to the “B” team. I didn’t seem to have the same stamina I did earlier in the season. I was crushed. I went home to find my dad was making a big batch of kinildri, a dumpling soup where the dumplings are packed with ham, turkey and salami. So much salt. I ate 6 bowls of it.
After 17 days without anything but water, my digestive track revolted. I was struck with severe gastro-intestinal distress. I will spare you the details, but I am sure you can imagine.
Later that week the team had a pizza party in my coaches classroom. Pizza, chips, soda and movies. I sat in the dark, depressed at the turn of events and ate delicious, doughy, Pizza Hut pizza. One slice after another. 16 slices in total.
At 12 or 13 years old, this is the first time I can remember gorging myself like this. 16 slices of pizza is A LOT for anyone, much less a young girl. There may have been candy and other treats there as well. But the pizza is all I can remember. That, and feeling better.