The experience with Kenzie was a life altering point in my path. It brought into focus that this was a disease, not a tool kit for weight management to be dabbled in like much of my generation had experienced. Kenzie would end up staying in the hospital only another month before secretly grabbing her laptop and walking out in the middle of the night against doctors orders. She showed back up in Alaska about a week later but we lost touch. She dropped out of school, started working at the front desk at a local gym, and ended up passing from complications of her disease before we reached the age of 29. I still think of her often.
For me, in the years that followed our interaction, I stayed true to my word for the most part. I didn’t go long long periods of time without eating, I tried not to throw up on purpose. But the unfortunate part was that to some extent, the damage had already been done. Sometimes I would eat and immediately vomit involuntarily. It started during college and got worse after I graduated, I began to suffer from extreme stomach issues. I would get sharp, significant shooting pains, diarrhea, indigestion, heartburn. I would be up all night writhing in pain on the floor of my bathroom, praying for relief, pivoting between sobbing on the floor and vomiting bloody, frothy vomit.
The next day I would wake up, (often still on the bathroom floor) feeling as though I had been in a boxing match. My whole abdomen would ache. I saw doctors, had an Upper GI, kept a food journal. I was tested for allergies, went back on the antacids for ulcers. I was miserable. I was newly engaged and my fiance was worried and, we were spending a ton of money on medical bills and getting no where.
About this time we started to prepare for the wedding, six months to go and the last thing on this planet I could imagine doing, was standing up in front of all of my family and friends looking fat. I resolved to lose weight before the wedding. Vanity is a powerful tool.
I started restricting again. I counted every calorie. I mustered all the will power I could and I cut out all dessert and I worked out hard. I worked out two to three hours on cardio machines every night. Before I knew it, the wedding was nearing and I was at my all time lowest adult weight, 175 lbs. I had lost 45 lbs in 6 months and was so stoked! I was still 10 lbs above the top of the “healthy BMI” for my height, but I’d take it. The wedding came, we said “I do” and headed off on our honeymoon. We ate like kings on our cruise (to Alaska) and by the time we got home, I could barely fit my wedding ring on! (This is mostly due to sea level swell- you people that live coastal lives have no idea how much water you retain). But the trend was set. I never returned to my “wedding weight”. It was like I worked so hard, got there, tagged the buzzer and pivoted and headed straight back up. I am pretty sure that week was the full extent of the time I got to experience “my slightly overweight” body before all the habits set back in.
Six months later I was standing on my bathroom scale staring 199 lbs in the face, holding a positive pregnancy test. Boom. Goodbye “Onderland.”